GypsySpirit It’s interesting as well as challenging to have multiple children with big age gaps. As parents of these, we have to be conscious of each and every stage each child is in. It’s easy to “group” them when parenting or to use the same parenting style for each child. This doesn’t work very well. You have to get to know each child, their personalities, what makes them happy, what makes them thrive, what hurts their feelings (which will differ greatly), and so on.
At the moment, my youngest 16-year-old child, Jovan, constantly questions “my allowing” of my 19-year-old daughter, Isis, to leave with friends for days at a time. He questions why I give her so much freedom and why I don’t “make her” come home. Every few days I have to explain that she’s the older sister who is now an adult and can make her own decisions. She’s supposed to be at her college anyhow, had she not had to return home for a season. I remind him she was already out of the state left to make her own decisions and was able to come in and out of her dorm as she pleased.
I felt it was more about him wanting to know where she was going and who she was hanging out with. That’s where the questions and demands to know began. Typical younger brother jealousy- with a bit of possessiveness sprinkled on it- of his older sister. They’re very close and so really, it finally dawned on me… he’s just missing her. I told him at the end of my 20th speech about adulthood and the freedom that comes with it that if he misses her, just text or call her to let her know.
They now have a “date” to go out to eat and spend time together. This last conversation between him and I was different. His response anyway. He stopped debating the matters of parent/child limits, allowances, and given freedoms. He simply said “Ok.” I think I had finally got through to what he was actually trying to express once I said “If you miss her, just call her. I just called her myself today.” What also put him at ease was that his older sister finally shared info about her new friends and what she’s been up to. She’s freelancing and visiting different coffee shops to work and having fun in her spare time with friends. Her friends are independent and live in private student housing, so she gets to stay over whenever she wants.
Jovan understandably gets lonely as the younger brother, having watched the older children cross over to adulthood; a place he’s been pretending to be in since 8. Mind you, there is a pretty big age gap between him and his older brother(s). At 8 years old he had three older siblings. The sibling age gaps are 11 (Tristan, brother), 4 (Josiah, brother), and 3 years apart (Isis, sister). So you see why he’s so attached to his big sister; she was the closest to his age.
It’s adorable. He’s extremely loving, caring, and very, very protective of his loved ones. His love language, like mine, is spending time.
He’s not as close emotionally with his 21-year-old older brother Josiah who’s still living with us and attending college. They share playing video games. However, Jovan is very committedly into fitness and tries to get Josiah to join him. They spar from time to time as they both like boxing and when Josiah gives in, he’ll join Jovan at the gym or on a run. Emotionally, however, Jovan is closer to Isis.
While the oldest Tristan was by himself until 6 ½ years old, Josiah and Isis grew up very close in their formative years, like twins, being that they’re only 20 months apart. The hierarchy of the teenage world separated them long ago and they only come together from time to time. Josiah being 21 means he can party and be out doing who-knows-what, but he doesn’t. He’s a homebody and prefers to live in the virtual world as most Gen-Zs do. Isis will join both her brothers sometimes to play video games they used to play when they were kids.
I love it when they’re together and sharing. It brings a certain air into the house. Like when they were kids always playing together. I miss those days so much. So sad that we moms are so concerned with so much while raising them that we don’t take it in as much as we should. I was aware that I would miss those years, but that doesn’t take away the fact that when you’re concerned with the day-to-day of raising them, finances, household matters, marriage, your career, on and on and on, you don’t forget to just sit more and take in more of the moments that will soon be blurred and feel like a lifetime away. My advice to all young moms and dads out there would be to really be present and take them in.
So, right now I’m still raising a teenager in high school while having two college students in the house- one is finishing college in a few months and the other is in the first year and taking a short hiatus. It’s hard to keep up with it all and parent each one of them at whatever stage of life they’re in. Setting boundaries here, loosening up the grip over there, playing counselor/therapist at times, teaching them adult things they’re just beginning to encounter. There’s a lot of talk about careers and finance now. This no doubt has so much influence on Jovan. The talks with the older ones have always influenced him, of course. This is why he’s always been 10 years older in his mind than his biological age. As we speak, he’s joining me in investing and trading and building his wealth which, according to him, will realize the dreams of him being wealthier than the rest of us and will enable him to take care of the entire family.
I can’t stop him from acting older but I have to remind him he’s only 16 and the boundaries I have in place are to raise him to be a responsible adult someday soon. He doesn’t fuss about that. He gives me no trouble. He goes out with friends, keeps his curfew, and follows all the rules. The ones I can see, anyway. I won’t lie to myself about what my kids do when I’m away from them. Even I have to remind myself to parent Jovan as a teenager sometimes because of his level of maturity.
On the other side of the coin, however, is the fact that, as the youngest, he’s been used to having so many people in the house do so much for him all his life. Now that everyone is older that’s not happening anymore. So when he and I were traveling together, I got to teach him how to be independent now that he didn’t have all that extra voluntary help. I do sometimes have to remind him “Jovan, you’re not a little kid anymore.” As of last year, he makes himself breakfast, sometimes lunch, and he’s gotten much better at picking up after himself. The very interesting thing is that when he would have sleepovers at other households with multiple children, I would receive compliments from the other moms on how independent and self-sufficient he was. A teacher said that his demeanor made sense when I told her Jovan had three older siblings.
While Tristan was the only child for a little while, he was my first love and my little buddy. Then came “the twins” who are 20 months apart. I went from raising one child to raising a second one and 20 months later, another one. Our household changed drastically. While Tristan was 8 years old playing outside with neighbors, being invited to birthday parties, and starting sports, I had a toddler and a newborn. That was tough. Those ages were a lot of hard work: 8 + 2 + newborn = ooff! It was hard to keep Tristan in sports while carrying strollers, carriers, diaper bags, etc.
Josiah and Isis were the easiest because of the smaller age gap. They did everything together and kept each other entertained. They went through stages very close together. For example, joining soccer was easy as the practices and games were close together. Although, being of different genders brought its challenges even if the age gap didn’t.
There were times when my kids had to remind me how old they were and the needs they had at the time. For example, when Josiah got to middle school and needed more privacy and didn’t want Jovan in his room anymore. Five years apart is a big gap when you’re in middle school. Fast forward a couple of years and Isis reached middle school and no longer wanted to be responsible for walking her little brother, Jovan, home.
A big shift happened when Isis was starting high school and Jovan was barely starting middle school. Josiah was already in high school for two years. Tristan was a grown adult who had moved out of the house long ago, was working full-time, and living his own life. It was all downhill from there. Lots of changes, lots of shifts in my parenting. Going through all the stages over and over again did give me lots of parenting experience but each time I learned many new things as they had such different personalities. You will find that with one personality you’ll have to be firmer than with another. While this kid here will heed your first warnings, the one over there will push you to your limits and see how far you will go with your warnings.
That is one of the most important things to do that is universal across all personalities, genders, and ages. When they’re young, stand your ground and follow through. Otherwise, your word will mean nothing to them. That’s when chaos can ensue and you’ll go through a lot of unnecessary stress. No matter the age gaps, boundaries and following through are so important.
The truth is when you have multiple children with different age gaps it’s hard to keep it all in order. It’s hard work. But in the end, it’s very rewarding and fun to watch. I’ve been raising kids for almost 28 years as I write this. I’ve made mistakes with one or the other at different stages. When I look at how they’ve turned out and what truly amazing kids they are, it’s all been worth every single second in the spectrum that ranges from agony and torture to pure joy.
